Fighting demons....

Ok, so the name is a bit ominous, but that's what I call it, when you are fighting off those negative feelings, I call them demons.

Now let me first say I don't think they are *really* demons, the spirits Satan sends to earth to attack people, or whatever. I'm not sure I believe in actual demons, but I have met people who have, and they freak me out when they talk about *really* fighting off demons. So just so we're clear, this isn't a post about me strapping on my shield and armor and actually fighting off little evil spirits.

But at the same time, this is raw and honest and emotionally charged stuff that I am just going to unload, because at the moment it seems to be the only thing I can do with these negative thoughts, to unload them. Maybe in doing so, they will just go away. That's my hope anyways. Maybe they will lose their power if I just blog them to death. :)

So a new friend, a friend of one of my momma friends, Afton, has a blog called Audaciously Naked, about being real with herself (hence "naked", no she isn't a streaker, or stripper....:) ) She posted a blog a bit ago about her negative feelings, go read it here and how she has always been really hard on herself, and how her thoughts seem to go straight to suicidal thinking but how all of that is changing now that she has her beautiful baby boy.

But it resonated with me, and not because I think about suicide, that's so not me. But I have my own version of it. My version of suicidal thinking is "I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up and not have to deal with the hard stuff in life". Which never even occured to me until I read this blog post, that THAT is just about the same as suicidal thinking, which is crazy to me, because I wouldn't have pictured that for me, ya know?

*I have never and God-willing will never ever contemplate suicide, just to we're clear here*

But the fact that going to sleep and never waking up, is something that HAS popped in my mind is just crazy to me. Not that I think it often, but it has been a thought in my mind. And I could feel these negative thoughts creeping up on me the last couple of weeks, slowly, like a whisper at first, but now they seem to be a roar. And anyone who knows me, knows that I am the positive, glass is half-full, count my blessings, kinda person, naturally, that's just who I am. So when these negative feelings come my way, it seems to hit me really hard. And I don't really know if it's because I rarely feel them that they just SEEM like they are really awful, or if they are truly worse than what the "normal" person goes through. (what is *normal* anyways?!)But it has been a REALLY long time since I can remember feeling this, this is just not normal for me.

And then I feel so silly for feeling them, because in reality my life is so blessed and there are sooo many people far worse off than I could even imagine, so how dare I feel sorry for myself, or whatever? It doesn't make sense. But yet here this cloud of despair is, over my head. And I can't seem to shake it, and I hate it. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be. I just laid on the couch tonight, feeling tired and hopeless and gloomy, and just repeating the prayer "God don't let me feel like this tomorrow, please don't let me feel like this tomorrow." over and over and over again. and I didn't think I would even get up off the couch to do anything but go to bed, but then I had the motivation to write this blog, so here I am.

I am not the person who lays around on the couch, I am a mover and a shaker, I rarely if ever sit on the couch much less lay on it. But tonight that's all I wanted to do. There's this stupid hopeless, "what's the point?" feeling that has taken over me, and I don't like it. I. Don't. Like. It.

I think it started small, the "whisper" of negative feelings and thoughts, the whole "I'm never going to lose weight, what's the point?" feeling. I am so fed up with being overweight, and no matter how hard I try, or how psyched up I get myself to do a diet or excercise plan, or whatever, I always seem to fail, and I hate it. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel. I hate seeing pictures of myself. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I hate it. So why is it so hard to do something about it, if I hate it so much?

And my to-do list is never ending. Every time I turn around, my house is a mess. My car is a mess. Everything is a mess. I think I am feeling crippled by the amount of things in a daily basis that I need to accomplish. There are never enough hours in the day, to get done what I need to get done much less what I want to. So I feel guilty, I should be doing this instead of this. I should be helping the kids more. I should be paying more attention to the kids. I should be cleaning more. I should be working more. I should be.....fill in the blank. And then of course the stress of finances, there's never enough money at the end of the bills. And then of course the teetering edge of bi-polar that we live on, waiting for it to crash down on us again at any moment. Is my husband going to be his wonderful charming self today, or is he going to be slamming doors and angry at everything?

Then it's the kids. The boys are so mean and hateful to one another on a daily basis, and I think "How in the world do I have kids that are so rude and mean?" and then of course Starla mimics them, so she's mean and hateful. And screams at me. All they do is fight and bicker and try to purposefully anger or hurt eachother, All. Day. Long. Everyday. And they back talk, and are rude to me. And Bourbon has just been making bad choices lately, and him & Roman both have just stopped doing their schoolwork for the most part, and are both getting bad grades due to zeros, they just aren't doing anything, and I can't seem to reach them, I can't seem to get them to listen or understand, and so I get the whole "what's the point?" feeling, and the whole "I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up" feeling because I have this doom and gloom feeling like my kids are just going to make bad choice after bad choice and ruin their lives and break my heart, and why would I want to even watch it or live it? (I know, such silly, over dramatic, worse case senario thinking based on rude behavior and schoolwork, I don't get it myself)

And then so I feel like a failure, a failure as a mother, a failure as a wife, a failure as a person and it all just snowballs and spirals, until boom, this cloud of dispair is over my head now, and it gets harder and harder to pull myself out of bed in the mornings, and I have no desire to do anything. I can't even get up the focus or motivation to watch my TV shows, or try to read a book, or make sock monkeys, or whatever. All I want to do is sleep, and I think "How in the ever loving world did I, I of all people, get here? And how do I get out?"

And so I have been trying, trying really hard to just talk myself out of this funk this past week, trying to occupy myself , trying to shake it off. But at the moment it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I could wake up tomorrow with it just gone, which of course would be an answer to my prayer. But what in the world do I do if it's not?

I just keep having these negative thoughts pop up. "I'm never going to finish my novel, what's the point?" "I'm never going to lose weight, what's the point?" "My kids are never going to listen to me, what's the point?" "I've never going to accomplish anything, my life will never mean anything, what's the point?" and I know thats all really really stupid and untrue, so why does it feel so real at the moment? Why does this feel so all consuming? It doesn't make any sense to me. But one thing I know for sure. This. Is. Not. Me.

This is not who I am, this is not how I think. I just want it to go away. And so I do the only thing I can do, I pray. I pray and I write (type, same difference).

God knows I can't fall apart. I have too much to do. Moms aren't supposed to get sick, much less depressed. :) And I will just believe that this is my "bottom" this right here, this will be my rock bottom, and now tomorrow I will climb back up. That I won't feel like this tomorrow. That by sharing it, by acknowledging it instead of trying to stuff it away, by calling it out, it loses it's power and hold on me. That it will no longer seem all consuming, or larger than life. That it will seem silly, and over dramatic, and it will just go away.

Tomorrow the boys are out of school for parent teacher conference day, and we are going to go to the zoo. We are going to enjoy the sunshine and the animals. And I just pray, that tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be better than me laying on the couch unable to do anything.