The Elephant in the room

So our Elephants left the OKC zoo when Starla was 2. They were her favorite part of the zoo. They were sent to the Tulsa zoo to see if they could get pregnant (both are females). They have been there a REALLY long time, and we have been telling Starla since they left we would take her to the Tulsa zoo to see them, but it just hasn't ever happened. So this week, we decided we are going to the Tulsa zoo on Wed. Alan is off of work, and the kids & I are just calling in to school, and we are going. Well guess who got back to the OKC zoo yesterday? Yep. Sigh, I can't seem to win these days. They are back, both of them pregnant. BUT their new habitat isn't done yet, so they won't be available to be seen by the public until next spring. Sigh. We are still going to the Tulsa zoo. They have at least one elephant that I know of (the male obviously) so we will still get to see elephants, just not OUR elephants. :)


Now onto the "elephant" in the room, lol.

When people have problems, mental issues like Bi-polar, or even regular old marital problems, no one likes to really talk about them. It's easy to show the world a smile and pretend they don't exist. I am really bad about that. But I figure that when you have problems, you really should rely on the support of your friends & family. That support could mean all the difference in the world. So therefore I am inviting you into our problems. :)

Alan & I have the big 3, the leading causes of divorce tend to be finances, intimacy (we don't have enough of either, lol) and children (we disagree on parenting styles). And they have all seem to come to the forefront in the last year, and I think we are barely hanging on by a thread.

But then you add in Bi-polar to that, and it is just chaotic. Alan has a real hard time dealing with stress, and has anger management problems (although they have greatly improved through the years, they are still there). It is hard to explain to the kids that it isn't ok to yell, throw things and slam doors when they see their father do it on a regular basis. Which also leads to our parenting differences. Alan is from the "Do as I say, not as I do" school of parenting, and I am not. I read just about every parenting book I can get my hands on, and I have been taught a certain way of teaching kids through my school and various child psychology classes, which all tell me that "Do as I say & not as I do" doesn't work, you must model appropriate behavior, kids learn what they live.

There are 4 main parenting styles, Alan falls into this one:

Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection. They attempt to set strict standards of conduct and are usually very critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not provide children with choices or options.
Authoritarian parents don't explain why they want their children to do things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent might answer, "Because I said so." Parents tend to focus on bad behavior, rather than positive behavior, and children are scolded or punished, often harshly, for not following the rules.

Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and understand why the parent is requiring certain behaviors.

I have been taught time and time again that as a teacher and a parent this is what you want to avoid, so obviously when Alan does his thing, it's hard for me not to butt in and try to explain why it won't work, which of course in essence is me telling him he is wrong, which of course never goes over well.

This is the parenting style I strive for, and the philosophy I believe in:

Authoritative Parenting
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. Baumrind suggests that these parents "monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative

I like to think that as parents we aren't here to punish, but to correct behavior. Sometimes that means doing things the kids don't like, but not because I want to punish them and make them suffer, but because I want them to learn and to change the behavior in the future. I like the natural/logical consequences. Natural consequences are those that you don't do anything, it is a natural response that teaches the kids; you run, you fall. You jump off the couch, you hurt yourself. That kind of thing. Logical consequnces are where it just makes sense; you spill something, you clean it up. You break something, you fix it or pay to have it fixed. In theory there doesn't have to be yelling, or threatening, or punishment involved when disciplining your children, and I really would like to acheive that kind of parenting. I hope to also be that kind of teacher.

Now of course it's easy for me to sit here and call out Alan's faults, lol, but I have my fair share as well. I am a yeller, I yell at the kids all the time and I hate it. Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell. So I want to fix that. I also lose patience too easily sometimes, and I want to work on that. I'm probably too lenient on the kids, and need to be more consistent in discipline. So I'm not just pointing fingers, I need to work on lots of things too.

I'm also the one that spends too much money, while Alan would prefer not to. And I would like to fix that as well and get it under control.

I think both Alan & I are feeling over worked and under appreciated. It happens. He works ALLLLL the time, and is tired and cranky when he gets home. I work all day every day as well, from the time the kids get up until they go to bed, and so at the end of the day I don't have much left to give Alan. So there is alot of anger and resentment with both of us about what we think the other should or shouldn't be doing. And we aren't going to get it worked out on our own. We have got to find a counselor to help us. But hopefully we can get it smoothed out and back in a better place.

So that's where we are. We are not in a good place at all. It's no fun. But it is what it is, and we just have to do what it takes to figure it out. Until then though life might be a bit crazy and chaotic for us.